Apparently, when in my last blog I noted that I'd be blogging again soon, I meant in a few more months.
I apologise for that.
Since I've last blogged, I've not heard any more from River or Destiny or anyone claiming to represent either party. For this, I'm grateful. Truly, I know I'm not ready to face that world again. So, dear reader (and more-so, dear Christ Follower), what, you ask, was the point of that interaction if not to get me to reconnect with those involved in said debacle?
I think it was to show me truly who I am, or rather, who I'd been becoming. (Yes, my grammar is inaccurate from a purely literary standpoint, but my point will support it.) You see, I was angry at River. Angry and bitter and resentful and ashamed. In my mind, I had wronged her, wronged Destiny, wronged my family, and God Himself. Though I had done everything I could (and I did the job of keeping my daughter and her mother healthy and sane as well as I could), I still failed. Or at least, I felt like I had failed. I couldn't process the whole affair. I couldn't forgive myself for the mistakes I had made, and no amount of good deeds could change my mind.
That's where Grace comes in. The Grace of God is a powerful thing. It had made a fool of me, and I'm thankful for it. The whole hub-bub was to show me how little mercy I had shown myself. How little I knew of Grace. If I couldn't forgive myself for my sins, my transgressions, how much more could God not even stand them? If I hated myself, how much more should He hate me? I don't deserve mercy or grace or forgiveness.
And there's the rub. He offers it nonetheless. Because He chooses to. He died because He chose to. And I have only to accept His offer, but I do so knowing that I'll never be worthy of it. It's a tension we as Jesus Lovers must live in, and I pray that I never cease to struggle with it.
Back to the point, I didn't like who I was becoming. I didn't like the decisions I was making with such an unhealthy mindset and view of God. Rather, my view of God was accurate (He is loving, merciful, gracious, and kind) but I didn't think any of that applied to me. It does, and dammit if that revelation won't be the death of me.
I'm still wrestling with this truth, and it still surprises and challenges me every day, but I think I'm getting better at forgiving myself as I go. Of course, as soon as I finish typing this I'm sure that statement will be challenged again.
Such is the cycle, the horrible, weighty, freeing, and wonderful cycle of Grace and Forgiveness. Just to let things go is the scariest and most freeing thing.
So now, I'm becoming somebody else, somebody new. A body that forgives himself and others more freely, and shows grace and acceptance openly. Or at least, that's who I'd like to be.
