On Worship, Tired and/or Hungover

Yes, you read that right. I have played church services while hungover. I've played services on mornings where I never went to sleep. I've slept through church services.


Now, before you excommunicate me from the Church, know this: my heart is for the Lord, and He've never failed to humble me when I hit the stage. I'm constantly in awe of His power and majesty and the fact that He uses a screw-up like me.
That said, I want to share a bit of my mindset on mornings like those mentioned above.
I read a tweet from one "Worship_Tips", and it's as such: Remember, what you do tonight will affect how you lead worship tomorrow. Guard your heart. Don't risk loosing the anointing.


Too true.  We should be careful of the condition of our heart when we head in to His Presence. However, to avoid His Presence simply because we're tired or we made a mistake the night before would be foolish. He accepts us, broken as we are, and our willingness to be open about our brokenness and shame is one of the greatest benefits to us and to others that comes from that acceptance. 


Too many mornings I've sat through prayers from tired folk praying that God would wake them up, give them an alertness, blah blah blah. Nothing wrong with that, but I enjoy the mornings where it hurts to lift my head, where I'm too tired to give it my all. And I'll tell you why: Because when everything does work out, when God shows up, when The Spirit descends, I can know fully and completely that it had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! Not a thing. I gave my all, and it still wasn't enough. God came down because He chose to. He honoured our songs and praises because He chose to. He gives me the strength to worship Him because He chooses to. 


How often in our "strength" and "alertness" and "preparedness" do we fret or worry about everything? Do we, (though we'd never say it out loud) think that everything hinges upon us and our competence?


It's the same way on mornings when there's PA issues, or the sermon isn't complete quite yet, or the guitarist can't quit breaking strings. It's a chance to sit back and reflect upon how messed up we are, how we can do NOTHING good of our own strength, and praise Jesus that He shows up anyways.


Now I'm not saying that we should all stay up all night or come into church tomorrow hungover (or still drunk), but if it comes down to fellowshipping with good intentionality with good folk or unbelievers that need the word, or going to bed at 8:00 so I can be bright-eyed and bushy tailed, I'll always choose the former. Tonight I'm going out to see good folk, to fellowship with people I don't see often enough, and to praise God for excellent music. I won't be out extremely late, but I won't be in before midnight. But I'm not worried, nor do I feel that I'm testing God. My heart and conscience are clear in this matter: God is Lord, and He comes first. And at 8:00 tomorrow morning I'll find myself facedown in His Presence, with no dichotomy between last night and that moment.


Be wise in your dealings, wise in your decisions. Don't sin without regard to God or the future. But don't wrap yourself in a bubble, never going out, never talking to strangers, and never having a good time. Fellowship, food, drinks; all are gifts from God to be celebrated. And all are things to thank Him for on sunday morning, whether you're fully awake or not. 

On Whims, Chasing.

I'm perplexed by people who chase after fleeting desires. (Yes, I perplex myself, but one thing at a time).

I had a chat with a young lady tonight after her sexual practices. She usually sleeps with men on the first date because she believes that if the sex isn't good that there's not much point to progressing the relationship. This is an ideology she developed after a longterm relationship came to an end in a most painful way.

While I understand her pain, I don't understand her subsequent quest.

Same goes for men chasing women, people chasing wealth or fame, or a junkie chasing his next fix.

My pursuit, most times, is for whatever my pride desires. I'll entertain a person who is interested in me, but only because I'm flattered by their interest. I'll watch porn because I think some sort of sexual satisfaction is missing in my life. I'll chase gigs because I feel that if I were playing full-time I'd be happy.

But the longer I live the more I get tired of all this. Happiness is fleeting, and so is this life. How dare we think we have so long to live that we can fritter away our time chasing money or sex or fame!

I'd be lying if I said that being single makes me happy or joyous; but my desire for a mate is not strong enough to make me do something silly like go looking for a woman. If it happens, it happens. 

I don't think I've ever "burned in my lust", but I do get distracted and enticed. 

And being without a job does not make me happy. I need things to do during the day, I need a sense of accomplishment. But I'm trying to be open to what God has for me. I'd like to think if He told me to move to Africa that I'd be receptive. However, there's only one way to find that out. 

I think my pride is my biggest sin. Believing that I know what's best for me, that I'm in control, that if I work harder I'll get ahead. My pride tells me to make plans and when they don't work out that God didn't want me there, that maybe He is against me or has it out for me. When something happens to my car randomly I start to wonder what I might have done that He'd be punishing me. 

But it's not punishment, it's discipline. We discipline the ones we love, and we leave be the ones we don't.

My roommate is finding this out as she's started taking her dog to an obedience school following an incident wherein her dog looked her directly in the eyes at it peed on the carpet. Y'see, she never disciplined her dog, so it thought it was the master. It didn't know any better, and if it were master, it'd be screwed. It can't feed itself as it doesn't know where the food is, it can't walk itself, if it did end up outside it'd be roadkill pretty quickly.

So it is with God and us. We are idiots wandering around in a dangerous world, looking to make bad decisions and mistakes, and we find only death.

I know, a very high and mighty view to take, but the longer I live, the more I believe it. Watching my friends chase after things that fade, I feel sad for them. I feel sad for me when I do it too. No amount of sexual partners will ever make me feel good about myself. No amount of alcohol will make me forget my bad decisions or awful desires. No amount of playing will ever make me feel like an accomplishment. And no amount of praise from my father or any other authority on this earth will ever make me complete.

Thank God for grace. Grace that I could never earn, grace that I could never afford. Grace given simply because I happened to realize that I need saving. 

God knows what He's doing, as hard as that is at times to believe. As the saying goes: "Just because you can't see the sun doesn't mean it's not shining."

Of Tripe, Self-Indulgent.

As I reread some of my blogs I'm struck by the thought that I sound like a holy and righteous bastard. Perhaps I censor myself so that nobody sees the real me, or so I look like a holy and righteous awesome guy that everyone wants to know. Perhaps.

Murphy's Law has struck again and I've incurred damage upon my car. It's nothing too serious, but Mo (my car) isn't as pretty as she once was and her back door doesn't really work anymore. Just another thing I can't afford to pay for.
As I sought council for my grief, I was pointed by a friend to Ephesians. He claimed it was all about grace, and knowing, perhaps even being comfortable with the fact that we have done nothing and can do nothing to earn God's grace and forgiveness. I get that, but I don't get why he wanted me to read it.
After I read Ephesians, I read the opening chapter of Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel (Illustrated Edition). Yes, it's illustrated. So much so that it only contains 15% of the source material. A friend bought it for me assuming I could knock it out easier, as I'm not much of a reader.

Truth be told I'm a bit numb to all of this. I can do nothing to deserve God's grace, but I fail to make the connection to what happened tonight. Instead, my thoughts turned to the possibility that perhaps God recently gave me a direct command and I haven't fulfilled it yet. Honestly, that's the best theory I have to explain my entire situation right now. And I know, it's not a very good one.
But it's a logical and existential one.

I had a dream saturday night that woke me up alarmed, in pain, and very confused. It was such an odd and disturbing dream that I immediately inquired of God if it could be a prophecy or message and if I should seek interpretation. He said no.
What didn't dawn on me until Sunday afternoon is that it could be a spiritual attack. My first reaction to that thought was that I was "of no spiritual significance at this time"; that I'm not important enough for Satan to take notice of me; that I've wandered into God's wrath, or simply His negligence, and am not currently a threat to The Forces Of Evil.

I have no uplifting ending tonight, no words of wisdom or insight, and no message of hope. I'm still wrestling with this all. I don't believe that I've missed any overt commands from my Lord, and I know that I cannot earn His grace, and that I am of great significance to Him. I don't know what He's doing, or why my accident tonight happened, but I know He's doing something and all I can do is trust Him and ask to see it.
I'd ask that you'd all do the same for me, and each other.