As I reread some of my blogs I'm struck by the thought that I sound like a holy and righteous bastard. Perhaps I censor myself so that nobody sees the real me, or so I look like a holy and righteous awesome guy that everyone wants to know. Perhaps.
Murphy's Law has struck again and I've incurred damage upon my car. It's nothing too serious, but Mo (my car) isn't as pretty as she once was and her back door doesn't really work anymore. Just another thing I can't afford to pay for.
As I sought council for my grief, I was pointed by a friend to Ephesians. He claimed it was all about grace, and knowing, perhaps even being comfortable with the fact that we have done nothing and can do nothing to earn God's grace and forgiveness. I get that, but I don't get why he wanted me to read it.
After I read Ephesians, I read the opening chapter of Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel (Illustrated Edition). Yes, it's illustrated. So much so that it only contains 15% of the source material. A friend bought it for me assuming I could knock it out easier, as I'm not much of a reader.
Truth be told I'm a bit numb to all of this. I can do nothing to deserve God's grace, but I fail to make the connection to what happened tonight. Instead, my thoughts turned to the possibility that perhaps God recently gave me a direct command and I haven't fulfilled it yet. Honestly, that's the best theory I have to explain my entire situation right now. And I know, it's not a very good one.
But it's a logical and existential one.
I had a dream saturday night that woke me up alarmed, in pain, and very confused. It was such an odd and disturbing dream that I immediately inquired of God if it could be a prophecy or message and if I should seek interpretation. He said no.
What didn't dawn on me until Sunday afternoon is that it could be a spiritual attack. My first reaction to that thought was that I was "of no spiritual significance at this time"; that I'm not important enough for Satan to take notice of me; that I've wandered into God's wrath, or simply His negligence, and am not currently a threat to The Forces Of Evil.
I have no uplifting ending tonight, no words of wisdom or insight, and no message of hope. I'm still wrestling with this all. I don't believe that I've missed any overt commands from my Lord, and I know that I cannot earn His grace, and that I am of great significance to Him. I don't know what He's doing, or why my accident tonight happened, but I know He's doing something and all I can do is trust Him and ask to see it.
I'd ask that you'd all do the same for me, and each other.
As annoying as it sounds, sometimes we are put through trials because we are strong enough to get through them, and other people come into our lives who go through similar things who need support and encouragement, and we wouldn't be able to provide that if we hadn't gone through the mess ourselves. At least I've found that to be true over the last several years, and it's not really such a bad thing. It sucks when you're in the midst of it, of course, but later on when you realize you're able to help someone else out, it makes it worth it. *hug* Hope you feel better soon. <3
ReplyDeletehey man, i'm not sure why you are having to go through a lot of this, and yet i can not only empathize but i can sympathize as well. i can share many a "why me?" story with you.
ReplyDeletethe thing that i ever so imperfectly cling to is that i have to find my rest in God. my rest is not in the abundance of my work, or in an abundance of leisure, etc, etc. it is in Him and Him alone.
that is a trying place to be and to stay. i, too, know that God has some big plans for me, and yet i seem to be in a place of interminable waiting... and waiting... and waiting... and yet with two paychecks i am broke and can't afford to tow and fix my car...
i guess what i am trying to say is that i know where you are and i hear what you are saying. and i am coming alongside of you to bear you up in any way that i can... that said you need to come over for dinner some time soon.
i'm out
sandy
Trevor, hon, it's easy to say you're of no significance to Satan...but the truth is, you talk about your faith and you try your best to live it, and that makes you VERY significant to him.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I see grace like a vintage quilt - someone gave it to me, for no reason, I don't deserve something so beautiful and hand-crafted and perfect for me, but I have it, and when times get hard, it's pretty amazing to curl up in a ball and pull that quilt of grace over me and let it warm the soul and feel all the love. (Not my metaphor, but I latched onto it as soon as it was shared with me.)
So sorry about your car. Regardless of your state of grace, it still sucks.
Perhaps it is simply a reminder from God to lean on his grace, rather than your own strength or understanding. I've found that hard times bring me closer to the Lord (as they should). I don't think you sound self-righteous in your blogs. They are enjoyable, and think that God has the opportunity to speak through you here. Sorry you're going through this stuff. Keep going though! I will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDelete