On Whims, Chasing.

I'm perplexed by people who chase after fleeting desires. (Yes, I perplex myself, but one thing at a time).

I had a chat with a young lady tonight after her sexual practices. She usually sleeps with men on the first date because she believes that if the sex isn't good that there's not much point to progressing the relationship. This is an ideology she developed after a longterm relationship came to an end in a most painful way.

While I understand her pain, I don't understand her subsequent quest.

Same goes for men chasing women, people chasing wealth or fame, or a junkie chasing his next fix.

My pursuit, most times, is for whatever my pride desires. I'll entertain a person who is interested in me, but only because I'm flattered by their interest. I'll watch porn because I think some sort of sexual satisfaction is missing in my life. I'll chase gigs because I feel that if I were playing full-time I'd be happy.

But the longer I live the more I get tired of all this. Happiness is fleeting, and so is this life. How dare we think we have so long to live that we can fritter away our time chasing money or sex or fame!

I'd be lying if I said that being single makes me happy or joyous; but my desire for a mate is not strong enough to make me do something silly like go looking for a woman. If it happens, it happens. 

I don't think I've ever "burned in my lust", but I do get distracted and enticed. 

And being without a job does not make me happy. I need things to do during the day, I need a sense of accomplishment. But I'm trying to be open to what God has for me. I'd like to think if He told me to move to Africa that I'd be receptive. However, there's only one way to find that out. 

I think my pride is my biggest sin. Believing that I know what's best for me, that I'm in control, that if I work harder I'll get ahead. My pride tells me to make plans and when they don't work out that God didn't want me there, that maybe He is against me or has it out for me. When something happens to my car randomly I start to wonder what I might have done that He'd be punishing me. 

But it's not punishment, it's discipline. We discipline the ones we love, and we leave be the ones we don't.

My roommate is finding this out as she's started taking her dog to an obedience school following an incident wherein her dog looked her directly in the eyes at it peed on the carpet. Y'see, she never disciplined her dog, so it thought it was the master. It didn't know any better, and if it were master, it'd be screwed. It can't feed itself as it doesn't know where the food is, it can't walk itself, if it did end up outside it'd be roadkill pretty quickly.

So it is with God and us. We are idiots wandering around in a dangerous world, looking to make bad decisions and mistakes, and we find only death.

I know, a very high and mighty view to take, but the longer I live, the more I believe it. Watching my friends chase after things that fade, I feel sad for them. I feel sad for me when I do it too. No amount of sexual partners will ever make me feel good about myself. No amount of alcohol will make me forget my bad decisions or awful desires. No amount of playing will ever make me feel like an accomplishment. And no amount of praise from my father or any other authority on this earth will ever make me complete.

Thank God for grace. Grace that I could never earn, grace that I could never afford. Grace given simply because I happened to realize that I need saving. 

God knows what He's doing, as hard as that is at times to believe. As the saying goes: "Just because you can't see the sun doesn't mean it's not shining."