On Being, Human.

I had an encounter with a penguin on Saturday at the Dallas World Aquarium.
He was separated from the rest of the pack, all alone on a rock. He looked at me, and I at him. He looked lonely, so I suggested that he swim back to his friends on the other side of the pond. Then, in a moment of melancholy, it struck me. "Perhaps he's forgotten how to swim. Perhaps he's forgotten how to be a bird."
I whispered to him, "Please don't forget how to be a bird."
And God whispered to me, "Please don't forget how to be Trevor."
And I shed a tear in the middle of the Dallas World Aquarium.

I did something new today. I admitted to someone that I was between churches. This is mostly shocking because I'd never admit this out loud, and the people at my former church have no idea. (Yes, I talked about this in my last blog, but seeing as how nobody at that church reads my blog...)

There's so much about the music industry that's about image and confidence and competence. To admit to being scared, or unsure, or ignorant, is to admit to an utter failure as a successful musician and (to a degree) human being. Yes, I'm fairly well removed from that world, but there are a few things I still carry around.
So the idea of admitting to being unsure about something so trivial as my church membership is automatically a bigger deal than it should be, never mind the fact that I'm regularly on stage, to be a role model for the congregation.
And it was hard to say. I wanted to come up with a different answer, to pledge allegiance to my former church, or a different church, or make up a church. Anything to seem confident.
And the idea of being without a home church is scary. I NEED accountability. I need a pastor and a family that I trust. I NEED to be seen as a whole human being, not just a bassist. I need to be encouraged to be that whole human being, not just a bassist.

No, I'm not sure what that means. I think it means that I need to be invited to barbecues, to interact with "normal" folks, to be invited to watch "The Game" (whatever that means), to build things, to read, to write, to run and jump and play, and maybe even to get in debt.

But I think I'm missing the point. Or rather, I'm afraid that I'm missing the point. I'm afraid there's some big thing that I need to do, that I know to do, that will take me to the "Next Level". Until I do this thing I'll just be stuck with the ol' "Sorry Mario, your princess is in another castle" routine. Problem is, I've no idea what this thing is. I don't think there is a thing, honestly. I think it's simply to remain faithful and steadfast, and to rise to the occasion. Meet challenges head on. Do laundry before you run out of clean underpants. Get a job that pays enough to provide nice things for yourself and the ones that you love.

On the flip side, what if I'm supposed to maintain the course? What if I'm only a few faithful steps from a couple gigs that set me up for the career I've been looking for? If I'm only a few calls away from being able to do music full time?

How do I chase God without being a musician? Is that what He's calling me to, or just what I'm afraid of? Of course, there's an easy answer to this. Just think to yourself, "What Would Jesus Do?" then do that! Ha! How silly of me!

I don't know that I'm ready yet to step away from playing like my life depends on it. I'm afraid I'll feel only regret and disappointment if I do. I feel such a strong calling, and I've always known that this life wasn't glamorous or pretty, so I've been prepared to be broke. But am I putting such an emphasis on music because I'm broken or because I'm called? How does one discern such things? Through prayer and fasting, through wise counsel, through the Word.

I honestly feel a little betrayed by my former church because I put faith in them and yet I very rarely felt like anything more than a bassist, just a body on stage to help give the appearance of prestige and preparedness that every new church plant so desires. And we're back to style over substance, worrying too much about image.
Please, don't misunderstand, I think my former church is a good place with good people. I simply think that my time there has run its course.

And with all this, I'm simply running around in circles. Please, if you have advice or insight, share it. I need all the help I can get.