About 6 months ago, during a breakfast conversation with a friend, the topic of bullying came up. His son was being bullied at school and he asked me for advice. I had none. Well, that's not true, but we'll get to that.
I grew up around 4 miles outside Lawrence, KS, but I went to school about 15 miles away from me. The school had 500 kids, kindergarten through twelfth grade. It was tiny. So everyone made friends fast and stuck with them the whole way through school. I, however, had a twin (a supposed built-in best friend) and ADHD, so the other kids weren't really very eager to play with me. To counteract the ADHD I was put on Ritalin, which turned me into a zombie: no personality, no hobbies, just school. I made straight A's, but if we lived in the caste system I would've been an untouchable. Persona Non Grata. The zombiefication didn't help my social cause.
Next, throw in a love for comic books. A serious love for comic books. An "I got in fights with my brother over which X-Man was the best" love for comics. Add to that my speech impediment, and I had zero friends. My parents will testify that everyday from kindergarten to 7th grade my brother and I got off the bus after school crying because the other kids were so mean to us.
So I know a thing or three about bullying, which is why my friend asked me what he did. And I'll be honest. I had an answer, but he wouldn't like it. I don't like it much either. The answer to how I got other kids to stop bullying me is simple: I didn't. They never stopped until the day I moved away. What's worse is after a while, I started to believe them. I believed that I was stupid, that I was mentally handicapped, that I didn't deserve friends, that I didn't deserve to be helped, that I was just a failure all around.
Most days, I do still believe them.
So here I sit, a 31 year old man, being tormented by voices that I haven't corporally interacted with since I was 16. The rational voice inside my head thinks it's time to move on, but not before he can insult me for being so stupid as to hold on to such irrational thoughts. Ironic.
And I'd love to wrap this post up with a nice warm-and-fuzzy thought about how God made me special and He loves me and blah blah blah. I know it's true in my head, but my heart is still scared shitless of failing and letting Him down, just in case it's only partially true. I'm scared of failing myself, my family, my friends. And no, I have no idea just exactly how I'd fail them, but I can take a few guesses.
I have to keep pressing forward, keeping reaching and growing and trying to succeed in this life. I'm not entirely sure what that means right now, but I do know that I'm having to lean hard on His Grace and trust that He'll tell me where I need to go when I get lost. But first, I have to shut up a few errant voices in my head.
P.S. I told my friend recently that what helps the most to combat bullying is friends and supportive parents that will help you become who you are, despite what others say. Simple but effective.
P.P.S. Cyclops was the best.
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