On Money, A Fool And His.

I'm not sure what to do with this entry. (not a strong opening statement, I know. just go with it) So much has happened this past week, though most of it not physical. God's been kicking my ass for a while now in so many areas, and it's hard to narrow it down and pick on subject because they all seem related.

I was going to post on money matters and why being poor isn't a bad thing. I was going to reference Proverbs 30:7-9, my favourite practical prayer. In fact, I think I will:

“Two things I ask of you, LORD; 
   do not refuse me before I die: 

Keep falsehood and lies far from me; 
   give me neither poverty nor riches, 
   but give me only my daily bread. 
Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you 
   and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’ 
Or I may become poor and steal, 
   and so dishonor the name of my God."

How much more practical does it get? This gets to an issue I have right now trusting God to provide. It's humbling, that's for sure, knowing there's little to nothing I can do to make ends meet. And then when God does show up at the last second, all I can do is stand in silence. I don't deserve such help or provision, but I get it. As soon as anyone out there understands that connection, let me know!

It's never a lot of money, y'know, but it's always just what I need, which makes sense in light of that proverb, and fits in well with God's character.

When the Isrealites were wandering the desert and God gave them manna, He only gave them enough to make it through the day. It's the idea of cultivating a dependency on Him and His provision. When Jesus told Pete to go fishing and collect the coin out of the fish's mouth for the temple tax, it was only enough to pay for Jesus and Pete. No more, no less. 

It's downright magical sometimes how it works. Several years ago I was offered the chance to go to Ukraine on a mission trip and I felt very called to go. Problem was, I didn't have the $1500 for it. And I only had a month to come up with it. That didn't go very well at all, I'll say that. But literally one week before we left the money showed up. A little from the church I was attending at the time, a little worked into the budget of the missions organization with whom I was going, and I have no clue where the rest came from. I'm okay with not knowing. The knowing doesn't matter. It's the gratitude with which it's received that does.

That trip did a great many things for me. It changed my life. It got me out of a very messed up relationship that was killing me. It reminded me of my love of serving others. 

As I write this now I'm still without job, gigs are few and far between, I'm $100 short on rent, my car is out of gas, I have nothing to eat but peanut butter and jelly, etc. etc. etc. 

Am I worried? Oh hell yes!! But I know that it'll be okay. I don't know how, or when, but that's faith, right?

I do my part, I work hard when I've got the work, I'm faithful to tithe and serve and obey, and God does what He does, which is mostly saving my dumbass from myself.

Look at that. I think that covers the money situation pretty well.

Let's all pray that I swallow my pride long enough to write about sin next time. I promise, that one will hurt a lot.

On Pedro The Lion References

As I'll explain later, this blog is an exercise in breaking habits and fighting laziness. I don't feel horribly compelled to write right this moment, but I figured I might forget my point if I don't. Also, they say writing is a skill that must be practiced, so consider me practicing.


As I awoke around 11am today, I was struck by my nonchalant attitude at the time on the clock. It meant almost nothing to me (Indeed, time is an abstract I've always wrestled with, but that's for another entry). I'm so used to sleeping in and staying up late and being without job that I almost consider my current lifestyle to be the norm. However, this idea would soon die a fiery horrible death.


On the way to my parent's house a certain song came on my iPod. I haven't heard this song in years, and I'm honestly not sure why I still have it, let alone how it got on my iPod. It may be familiar to some, to others a new discovery. The lyrics go a little something like this:
"you're up with the sunrise
and down when the work's been done
with excellence industry
diligence naturally
i would like to be you
just for a few habit forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
i need a miracle someone to help me help myself
sweet jesus i need you
forgive me this sin
not hookers or heroin gambling or gin
it sounds so ridiculous but i just can't lick this


And it's true. Most days I claim to be looking for a job but in fact spend more time watching bad tv and surfing Facebook. It's not because I'd rather be watching bad tv than working, but because I'm used to wasting my day away. It feels normal. 


And laziness feels so insurmountable. It feels omnipresent and omnipotent. It feels like something I'll never beat. As the song goes, I might almost feel better if my sin were prostitutes or black tar heroin. It'd make me feel better about proclaiming to have a problem. Hell, I can give up porn but I can't quit Maury?!


But it is what it is. I do need help. I need reasons to get up in the morning, outside of myself. If I get up early I'm more likely to actually get things done, but I can't force myself awake. So here's an idea: You, dear reader, are invited over for breakfast. Or perhaps you could invite me. Either way, please let me know in advance, and I'd love to get up and cook or just eat breakfast with you.


And we'd get to hang out, and I need to be social. Social habits force change in me as being social makes me feel lame for not having a job. Peer pressure does work!
Also, if anyone knows of a place that is hiring, please let me know.


Wow, that turned into a bit more of a post than I was expecting. Go me!
Thank you for your time and consideration.

On Safety, The Illusion Of.

It ain't easy being T O D.
Sorry, that phrase is stuck in my head.

I wanted to talk about control, as that was part of the sermon this morning.  The Sabbath, and what it teaches us about slowing down, giving up both self-importance and control. Good stuff.
I was struck by the idea of controlling things, but my brain started running around with the idea of security. Security (or the illusion thereof) is probably the biggest reason why we try to control things. I know it is for me. If I can get into a good working band I'll have money and moderate success and be happy. Maybe if I get a nice girl I'll be happy. Maybe if I didn't have to clean up my roommate's dog's crap, I'd be happy.
But why do I care? Why must I control these things? Why must I have this security?
Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that maybe I'm wrong and God isn't watching out for me, or maybe He's not big enough to help me out when I need Him, or that what He has for me isn't what I want, or that I don't love Him enough. Blasphemous thoughts, I know, but we all have them at times, especially when things get hard.

A friend of mine recently broke up with his longterm girlfriend and suffered bouts of depression in his process of grieving. But the other night at a show he said something to me. "I flirt with girls, I play the game, because when I win, when I know that I could take this girl home, it makes me feel like a man."
And it's true. It's scary, and it's true.
And I do it too. I talk to girls who take an interest in me because it makes me feel important and powerful, much like a man should. I don't much need to have an interest in any of these girls so long as they have an interest in me. Because I'm afraid that I'm not a man. That I'm not justified, that I'm not in control.

And this brings me to Peter. Always at Jesus' side, always seeking His approval, wanting to say the right thing, do the right thing. I wonder sometimes if he signed on with Jesus because Pete thought the coming Kingdom was to be a military kingdom, but it doesn't matter much because eventually Pete got it.
He had foot-in-mouth disease, always saying the first thing that popped into his head, which could get awkward. But that very trait made him the perfect man to get out of the boat and try and walk on water with Jesus.
But on the night of Jesus' death, Pete denied Him three times. I bet he was scared. He was scared of being associated with Christ, possibly dying with Him, but more than that, scared that he was wrong about Jesus. Deny now, apologize later.
And he had to look into the eyes of the man he denied as Christ was being dragged away to be beaten. That had to hurt. He had to watch a man whom he loved, a man with whom he had lived the past 3 years, a man who carried his heart and soul, get crucified. He had to watch Christ die in order to give up that fear. But that was love. It didn't feel like it at the time, but it was.
We all have to die, and we have to watch our dreams die, our hopes die, our loves die. Because without death, nothing can be reborn, nothing can be renewed. The Phoenix rises from the ashes, my Christ rises from his tomb. Carrying my fears on their back, giving me hope and grace to live a life without fear.
That scares me. As well it should.

On Biblical Square Dancing, Reasons for.

I have to confess something.
Everyone's seen The Shawshank Redemption, yes?
So you know the bit near the end, where Andy (played by Tim Robbins) has broken out and crawled through the sewage, he gets out and it starts raining and he stands and revels in the cleansing downpour?
The glorious moment of renewal, of rebirth, of triumph over adversity?
Yeah, that's what I always thought honest worship should be like. And I use worship in the correct sense: A life that pleases God. Moments, actions, thoughts, and deeds that help bring the Kingdom closer to earth. No, not the "musical style". Don't get me started on that.
But I have always worshipped best through music. It's something that I feel called to, something that I'm good at, something that I know glorifies God and He delights in.
So imagine my surprise when I'm drifting to sleep in the van on the way home this morning and I have an epiphany. It goes like this:
Worship isn't about us. We don't get renewed, or rebirthed, we don't triumph over adversity, we aren't cleansed. Not always, at least.
Worship is about God (duh!). What I mean is this: yeah, it's nice when we have those amazing moments, seeing the Father come closer to us, knowing (feeling) that we've pleased Him. But our main focus of worship should be to delight the Father.
The image in my head for this, and the description I'll use: Worship is whatever we do that makes Jesus do-see-do with God in heaven.
I'm not kidding. That's the image that came to mind. Jesus (sandy brown hair, nicely kept beard, gold sash) and God (white hair, long white beard, jovial look in His eyes) dancing on a cloud. Swinging their partner round and round. (no, I was not listening to bluegrass at the time).
Blasphemous? Maybe. But I work visually, so it helps.
Next time I stand on stage for church, my goal won't be to enter into some cleansing rain, to be renewed, to be absolved. My goal will be to make Jesus dance with joy.

On Life Plans, altering them.

Today's sermon at ACL was on Luke 18:18-30. The rich young ruler asks Jesus what he must do to achieve Eternal Life. Here, I'll let you read it.

¹⁸ Once a religious leader asked Jesus this question: “Good Teacher, what should I do to inherit eternal life?”

   ¹⁹ “Why do you call me good?” Jesus asked him. “Only God is truly good. ²⁰ But to answer your question, you know the commandments: ‘You must not commit adultery. You must not murder. You must not steal. You must not testify falsely. Honor your father and mother.’”

   ²¹ The man replied, “I’ve obeyed all these commandments since I was young.”

   ²² When Jesus heard his answer, he said, “There is still one thing you haven’t done. Sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

   ²³ But when the man heard this he became very sad, for he was very rich.

   ²⁴ When Jesus saw this, he said, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God! ²⁵ In fact, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”

   ²⁶ Those who heard this said, “Then who in the world can be saved?”

   ²⁷ He replied, “What is impossible for people is possible with God.”

   ²⁸ Peter said, “We’ve left our homes to follow you.”

   ²⁹ “Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the Kingdom of God, ³⁰ will be repaid many times over in this life, and will have eternal life in the world to come.”

So there you have it. Jesus says, and I quote, "Rich people suck. Poor people rule." The End.
Wait, no, He didn't say that. Not even close. But before I elaborate on that point, I'd like to first direct you to my favourite part of this story, which we see in Mark 10:21.

   ²¹ Looking at the man, Jesus felt genuine love for him. “There is still one thing you haven’t done,” he told him. “Go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”


See what happened there? Jesus, upon hearing the young man say that he's kept all the commandments, loved him. Why? Maybe the young man honestly yearned for the Kingdom. Maybe the young man almost got it, and Jesus got excited by that idea. (Yeah, we can take the easy route and say, "Jesus loves everyone!", but this isn't Sunday School, so I'm not accepting that answer) It's interesting to me that Jesus shuts down so many lines of questioning from the Pharisees and the Jews, but this young man He takes the time to answer. 


Now, onto my point. Or rather, a couple points.
First, when I read this passage, I freak out. Jesus hates wealth?! Well crap! There go all my hopes and dreams of one day owning a nice house and a nice car and a nice dog and a nice picket fence and a nice.... blah blah blah.
Jesus doesn't hate money! Jesus just doesn't love it, and He doesn't want us to love it either. Jesus paid the temple tax (Matt 17:24-27), He gave to Caesar what was Caesar's, He's okay with money. But He never had any, which is interesting. Neither do I. Does that make me a little more Christ-like than those with cash? I highly doubt it. But that's not the point.


As was pointed out this morning, when Jesus asked this young man to sell all his stuff, what did He then want the man to do with it? Give it to the poor. He wanted this young man to take what he had and invest it into the Kingdom. And this is my point.


When Zacchaeus and Jesus had lunch, Zacch (as I'll refer to him henceforth) promised to pay back everyone he overcharged and to give half of his wealth to the poor. That was good enough for Jesus. But did you notice what Jesus didn't ask him to do? Give up being a tax collector. Jesus didn't ask him to just walk away from everything he knew, He simply asked him to do what he does unto the Lord. To invest in the Kingdom, with what he has.


Adam was a farmer by trade. He farmed in the Garden. So when he got kicked out, what did he do? He farmed some more! Moses was a shepherd, so when God called him to lead Isreal out of Egypt, what did he do? He shepherded! They invested into the Kingdom what they had!


I think the scariest thought I've had in a long time was that God would ask me to completely give up my musical talent and ambition to become a "normal person". I don't know how to be normal, and I don't know how to live without being a musician. So thankfully, the idea I get is that He would never call me to just lay it down and walk away, but instead to take it up from a different angle, a different perspective, for a different purpose. I don't think He wants me to deny such a huge part of my life. Instead, I think He wants to see more balance. That's still a scary thought for me, though.


I don't believe in a God who wastes anything. I believe He uses everything: experiences, materials, debts and surpluses, strengths and weaknesses, even bad ideas and mistakes. And He does this by asking us to invest into His Kingdom everything we have. Yes, He may ask some of us to give up a job every now and then, or to take a paycut, or give a lot away, but how many of us feel that what He's asking of us encompasses who we are just a little too much? How many felt that the job He led us away from was the epitome of who we are? Or that the amount we lost due to a paycut defined us as human beings? So I, being a bass player, know that with gigs lost and money lost, that He is still going to take care of me. He just wants me to invest a little more into His Kingdom.


For the record, the only thing God ever asks us to lay down and never touch again is our sin. And that's the part of me that's freaking out. But I know it'll be okay. It just won't look quite like what I had pictured in my head. 




Sidenote: I love Peter and his ability to state the obvious, almost in a such a way as to try and gain brownie points. He had foot-in-mouth disease, and therefore makes a great role model. Everytime you feel like an idiot for something you said or did in the name of God, think of Pete. If he doesn't make you smile, I don't know what will.